Five Really Lame Marvel Villains
With All Due Respect...
Before I get started, I need to say something first. I'm taking a lot of pot shots at comic writing legends right now. Stan Lee, Joe Simon, Jack Kirby, and many of the fathers of modern fiction who made this medium in the last six decades prime entertainment. Without these pioneers paving the way when publishing comic books was a shaky business venture at best, we'd be so much poorer without them. These men brought us Spider-man, The Hulk, Iron Man, Captain America, and the Avengers.
It was their imagination that inspires us. No one bats a thousand. My point is that for every Spider-man idea, there are thirty Speedballs and OMACs littering the landscape. And, every once in a while, we see a character that is just plain sad.
For example, The Circus of Crime (pictured above on the right), created by Stan Lee and Steve Ditko, were a group of villains that posed as circus performers. The Ringmaster wore a special top hat that mesmerized the audience at the end of the show. While the entire audience was in a deep trance, the circus would rob the audience blind, collecting their valuables. The Ringmaster would then give a post hypnotic suggestion, erasing their memory but planting the idea that they'd seen an awesome show.
Not a bad plan. Things, of course, go awry every so often when someone like Daredevil is in the audience. A blind man can't be hypnotized. Then Daredevil (and Spider-man) wind up fighting the performers (they fight each other first, but I digress).
What's lamer than being attacked by an evil circus? "Oh no! There's a scary clown and a weight lifter coming to get me! I hope my proportional strength and speed of a spider will do the job."
See what I mean? Let's use these guys as "the bar." Here we go.
Really Lame Marvel Villains
- Brother Nature
- Gorilla Man
- Turner D. Century
- Ulysses X. Luggman—The Slug
Let's start with this guy: Peepers.
Yes, "Peepers." What if you could see really, really, really well? Would that prompt you to go into the super villain game? Actually, he was recruited by Magneto to be part of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Peepers was a mutant who had telescopic, X-ray, and a sort of laser vision.
Personally, I just think that numbers were down on the mutant recruitment drive and Magneto just needed to fill out the ranks after Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch left.
I think after a while Marvel started to hate this character and not only did they kill him off, they killed him off in a really bad way. Peepers, while driving and talking on his cell phone, hits a deer and loses control of his car. He wrecks his car and then gets killed by a mutant killer.
You'd think that if you could see really, really, really well, you'd have seen not only the deer but the mutant killer as well. I bet he never saw that one coming.
2. Brother Nature
Before your kid becomes a forest ranger, he should know that there is a possibility the Earth Spirit will tap him on the shoulder and make him an ecoterrorist. Mark Diering loved nature so much that he did just that. He had a vision from Mother Earth who gave him some weather and nature powers to act as its guardian.
He had it out against Captain America and then had a nervous breakdown after he destroyed one of his own trees. That's right, kids - he's the Lorax.
He was last seen giving up a fight against Radioactive Man and the Thunderbolts when a forest was threatened by Radioactive Man saying he'd "leak his suit."
Here we have a character who, potentially, is almost a god. Nature gives him the ability to control some weather, grow some plant life, and be one with the Earth. Unfortunately, in most cases, he surrenders faster than a French toddler after watching a monster movie.
3. Gorilla Man
Somewhere out there, there's a group of gorillas thinking, "You know, this bastard scientist is removing organs from gorillas. Let's remove his head and graft it to one of us. That'll learn him."
That's what happened to Dr. Arthur Nagan. A bunch of gorillas were able to do what no one has done in human history. Transplant the head of one thing and successfully put it onto something else.
Then they went back to Africa to throw poo at each other.
Were this the only instance of head transplants in the Marvel Universe. Hagan was actually the first of a bunch of scientists that have had some experimentation on their bodies. As part of the group, The Head Men, he actually got the best deal of the four of them. His compatriot, Shrunken Bones, experimented with Pym Particles and accidentally shrunk his bones to ten per cent of their original size while leaving the rest of his skin and muscles normal size (how his brain didn't leak from his skull is a mystery). Nagan also grafted his fellow member Chondu the Mystic's head onto a demonic looking body (tentacle arms, wings, and eagle feet).
Why? Who knows?
The last member of the Head Men is Ruby Thursday. She had an organic, malleable computer grafted to her body. Once again... no one knows why.
In any event, the entire head grafting market has been at an all time low since "The Brain That Wouldn't Die". I don't see Marvel going in for this plot line in the near... ever.
4. Turner D. Century
Have you ever heard really old people go on about how great things were in the "good ol days"? This is the result. A kid who wanted to bring back the "good ol days" and the values they represents.
You know? Like barefoot and pregnant. Like separate but equal. Like making those damn people go back where they came from.
But he's not going to use those "new fangled" technology things. He's going to use good old fashioned, time tested, antiques. I don't know where this genius came from but attacking a superhero with 19th century science really isn't effective.
Even more laughable was the hero who faced him. Out of the mothball cub-bard comes an aging Dominic Fortune - old man of action... with Spider-man.
Fortunately, someone decided that Turner D. Century was just not the type of person who should go on breathing. The "Scourge of the Underworld" killed him and a whole bunch of B-Listers in "The Bar With No Name".
Justice was truly served.
5. Ulysses X. Luggman—The Slug
The Marvel Bullpen must have been at it again thinking that if George Lucas could make Jabba the Hutt a convincing mob boss bad guy, then they could make one, too.
Ulysses X. Lugman, The Slug, is that man. He's a fat mob boss that makes the Kingpin look anorexic. His big kill move? He smothers people in his fat. To be fair, that's not all he is. He is a master strategist and genius... blah, blah, blah. He has to have something else.
Really, he's so much like Jabba that like most morbidly obese people he's confined to a hovering platform. Other than that... well... nothing.
I'm waiting for some scantily clad princess to sneak behind him and choke the life out of him.
I have to be honest. This was a hard one.
There was such an over-abundance of lame within the books that there were a lot of hard calls. Am I going to say that these are the be all end all of Marvel villain lameness? No, I can't. There really were too many. I'm certain that a lot of people can find a few that may even surpass these.
What I will say is that I think that it will be hard to surpass these. I mean... Peepers? The Slug? Brother Nature?
This may only be the tip of the iceberg.
Next "Lame DC Comics Villains."
What single thing about a lame character makes him lame?
© 2012 Christopher Peruzzi